Gruesome Reviews

“Rows” (2015): Awful on Every Level

Ok y’all know by now when reading a Thug review, spoilers abound. As was the case with the last film I reviewed, this one is also a giant pile of garbage not worth seeing. If you must watch it, by all means go ahead but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Rows is a poor attempt at a film written and directed by David W. Warfield. I’d name for you other things he has done but you wouldn’t know them and judging from this, you probably don’t want to see them. The editing was choppy and the direction made no sense. It kept attempting to go in a loop sequence without following any specific course which left me wondering is this what happened before or was it a dream? Turns out, all of the above; it was just a hot mess on every level.

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The only thing that made me angrier than the poorly written script was a silly attempt at the trade we all know as acting. The main character Rose played by Hannah Schick was probably the worst of all. She had the same facial expression no matter what was occurring in the movie, think back to Revenge of the Sith when Anakin played by Hayden Christiansen was conflicted with his feelings. But wait, the facial expressions were not even the best part. Her delivery was that of Jon Heder as Napoleon Dynamite, yes she sounded exactly like a female Napoleon; this even mad my wife laugh. She apparently was in one of my favorite films, Get Him To The Greek with a huge role as a member of the audience in the VH1 Storytellers scene.

The film begins with Hannah tied to a makeshift bed in a silo with Haviland (Nancy Murray) who apparently is some sort of witch and her “igor”, Jack played by Joe Basile regretfully sitting there in the silo watching some sort of ritual Haviland is performing on Hannah. This is where the incredible attempt at acting begins. Now anyone that awakens tied to a bed in a silo would be flipping out and struggling to get away. Not Napoleon, er I mean Hannah; she calmly asks Jack to help her when Haviland exits the silo. Maybe she had already fed Tina. Jack sadly tells her what has started cannot be undone and exits and the screen goes black.

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Cut to the next scene where Mark (Kenneth Hughes) a land developer and Hannah’s father is waking her in her own bedroom. He tasks Hannah with giving an evection notice to Haviland who has been squatting in an old farm house where there was apparently a lot of deaths throughout the years. When she goes to deliver the writ, Haviland invites her in and gives her a cookie and weird story. Hannah rises from her chair to check out a black and white framed photo on the wall. The photo is really old yet, Haviland is in it; Hannah passes out (this is a theme here).

After Hannah awakens on her porch swing, we are introduced to Hannah’s best friend Greta (Lauren Lakiss) who is a slightly better actress yet still as annoying. In this loop that happens several times in the film they go to the house to see what Haviland has left behind. Every time the loop occurs something changes. The first time Haviland is killed in a struggle with Greta. The girls take her out and bury her in the cornfield and then get lost in the never-ending field. Until they fall asleep and go through the loop again. This time Hannah is killed, the next time Jack is killed and Hannah’s dad Mark is captured by Haviland. Ugh 15 minutes into this gem I was ready to punch myself in the face, just ask Doc.

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Anyhow what these loops were leading to was the fact that every time someone was murdered in the looping scene they became a part of that black and white photo. The big reveal at the end is the screen going black and white and there now with Haviland in the photo are Hannah, Greta, Mark and Jack; one big happy family.

This movie was awful on every level and I do not recommend it AT ALL. If you like a movie with corn fields there are plenty of others to choose from: Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Children of the Corn, Signs and Freddy  vs. Jason; I love the scene at the cornfield rave shot from overhead when Jason is on fire weaving his way through the field.

Rows 0 out of 5 stars (0 / 5) on the Thug Meter

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JJ Fitt
Joe lives in the coal region of Northeastern PA with his beautiful wife Mary and their French Bulldogs Watson and Xander. He's a huge fan of all things horror and can't explain why especially since he was afraid of everything as a kid. He co-hosts the Indie Infestation podcast which gives a platform for those involved in the indie horror scene to get their name and projects out there. When he's not working he is usually watching the latest horror movie or show, at the gym with his wife or taking in a sporting event, Eagles! His all time favorite horror movie is the original Halloween, still effective to this day. Hit him up on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or drop an email, let him know what's awesome.
JJ Fitt
Joe lives in the coal region of Northeastern PA with his beautiful wife Mary and their French Bulldogs Watson and Xander. He's a huge fan of all things horror and can't explain why especially since he was afraid of everything as a kid. He co-hosts the Indie Infestation podcast which gives a platform for those involved in the indie horror scene to get their name and projects out there. When he's not working he is usually watching the latest horror movie or show, at the gym with his wife or taking in a sporting event, Eagles! His all time favorite horror movie is the original Halloween, still effective to this day. Hit him up on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or drop an email, let him know what's awesome.