The third episode of Scream Queens, titled “Chainsaw,” is giving me cause to pause… Where do I begin? I’m not that old that I don’t have the capacity to enjoy a hip new show. I definitely have the capacity to tell if a show that is trying way too hard to be new and hip is actually just a piece of crap wrapped up in clichés and “witty” vernaculars that are trying way hard to be cutting edge. That being said, the way some characters are portrayed with a “Dumb and Dumber” type wit is laughable at some points.
We begin the latest episode of Scream Queens with Grace and Zayday entering a convenience store to get their grub on (see, I can be hip too). Grace is lamenting how she treated Pete last week thinking he was the killer after seeing the “Reds” costume in his closet. Just then who pops up in aisle two, you guessed it, “Reds.” He makes a B-line towards Grace. She proceeds to tase him in his balls, nut sack, bean bag, giggle berries or whatever you want to call them (see Ryan Murphy, I got lots of names for genitalia too). Guess what. It’s not “Reds,” just a freshman out having a little fun who now he has to go home and ice his boys.
Cut to Chanel throwing a fit because Chanel #2’s body is no longer in the freezer where it was last seen. She should perhaps consider a new hiding place because this is the second body that has vanished from this location. Chanel #5 is standing up to Chanel who is feeling it because she apparently just had an awesome threesome with Rodger and Dodger. She’s not worried about murdered “dumb gashes” (vagina reference #1) after being “Eiffel Towered” by hot moronic bros. What does “Eiffel Towered” mean? I’m so glad you asked. It’s when a woman is on all fours getting it from the front and back by two standing gentlemen who high five in the middle shaping the Eiffel Tower.
Back at the Kappa house, Grace, Zayday and Officer Denise are investigating Chanel #2’s room. Denise finds blood on the floor and verifies it using luminol. She carries it because she loves Arby’s but can’t stand horseradish. Spray a little on horseradish, blood or the appropriate oxidizing agent; you get a sweet blue glowing color. It’s a staple of security guards everywhere. During this scene, Denise again acts like an extra from Scary Movie.
Dean Munch is hosting a candlelight vigil for the victims and poor freshman Eugene’s fried sack. While walking with candles in hand, Chanel finds Chad and wants to make up with him. His ego is still bruised because Chanel got upset when he claimed he wanted to have sex with her corpse. Chanel pleads with Chad, offering that she won’t even ask him to have sex with less people. This enrages Chad as he calls her controlling and pathological but doesn’t expect her to understand because she’s not a psyche major. The level of idiocy this character displays is reminiscent of Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber except Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels were funny. Chad then tells her he guesses she’s hot, she has symmetrical boobs and shaves her box in a hot way (vagina reference #2) but he can’t imagine doing her from behind and picturing an ugly pledge’s face. Sam goes to talk to Chanel #3, the ear muffed one (what is that about) and gets told that she better not be hitting on her because munching box (vagina reference #3) is what killed Michael Douglas. The levels of stupidity continue to descend. Everyone is gathered around Dean Munch at the podium where she announces the demise of the “Reds” costume in lieu of Coney, a giant ice cream cone mascot. Apparently the inventor of soft serve ice cream is from the area. Dean then ends her speech by telling everyone to find a tortured gay kid and hold him close. And, the offensiveness ensues.
Grace, Zayday and Officer Denise show up in Malibu at Chanel #3’s parents to see if they have heard from her. Denise quips that maybe she is lost in the house; it is a rather enormous home. Ok, this is where the episode interested me. Why? I’m glad you asked. Charisma Carpenter aka Cordelia Chase from the greatest show ever made, Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Oh how I loved that show and Cordelia. Ok, I have to get back on track, apparently her parents hated her because they don’t want her back at home and we also find out she had relations with Chad. He quips in a flashback as they read a note that he really enjoys porking her and hopes he can pork her forever.
Grace walks in to her film study class to find the new teacher hired by Dean Munch is none other than Wes, her daddy. She storms out. This was another good part for me as Wes tells the class he is going to show then his favorite film of all time, a Tobe Hooper classic from 1974, yep, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! After the movie is over, he talks about what the story means; aren’t we all running from the chainsaws in our past. We find that Gigi sat in on the class and loved it.
Back at the Kappa house, Hester is rummaging lustfully through Chanel’s closet. Chanel catches her and states that her closet is like her second vagina (vagina reference #4) and that she feels Hester has violated her closet vag (vagina reference #5). Chanel then goes on to tell a story about the fashion designer’s cat designating it the luckiest pussy in the world (vagina reference #6). Hester disturbingly refers to Chanel as Mommy and Mommy then decides to give her a makeover. Dean Munch and Gigi play tennis where Dean claims Wes as hers. Sam and Chanel #3 have a strange exchange where she wants to be best friends, nay, soul mates with Sam. Chanel #3 spills a secret that she is actually Charles Manson’s daughter and her and Sam decide to be “allibuddys” (buddies that are alibis). A dull conversation then takes place where we find out that all the Chanels were with Chad at one time or another. The big reveal then takes place, Hester is made over and now Chanel #6 to much protest from Chanel #5. Chanel tries to break up the argument with offering a game of cocaine or dildo, come on we all know that silly little game, don’t we? Dean and Gigi walk in and suggest Trivial Pursuit because they are staying for the week.
We flash to the frat house where Chad is giving a speech and pumping the guys up to go vigilante. During the speech about his fallen pal Boone, the guys argue over his sexual orientation and whether he loved boobs or not. The Dickey Dollar Scholars as they refer to themselves as decide to ‘roid up, hit the gym and then go call “Reds” out. Grace visits Pete to apologize and make up and exchange intel. Pete thinks Chad is the bathtub baby and killer.
We are then treated to the DDS walking the streets armed with baseball bats and calling out “Reds.” The best part of this is that “Backstreet’s Back” is the song playing as they walk. Well “Reds” comes out, not one but two of them armed with chainsaws. A lot of the DDS fall; and, as one brother goes to save Chad, he becomes a double arm amputee. We flash to Denise cuffing Zayday because she thinks she’s the killer. Her evidence ranges from campaigns to rake over Kappa to a chainsaw under her bed. Apparently he grandma gave her the chainsaw for protection when her taser was taken away.
Wes, Dean Munch and Gigi are eating salad together when the coup de gras takes place, a salad dressing bottle makes a fart noise which sends Gigi into hysterics. Wes is wondering where Grace is and decides to calls her. She lies and says she is at the library hiding the fact that she and Pete are investigating instead.
We end the episode with Dean Munch and Gigi as bunk mates. Dean needs her white noise on but all the sounds are extremely odd but the one she settles one that was pretty spectacular: Slasher movie sounds, where do I get one? Gigi decides to go sleep on the couch. She gets attacked by “Reds” with a chainsaw, Wes crashes in to save her but ends up getting his arm sliced. Gigi karate kicks “Reds,” he disappears but the chainsaw is left behind. Dean Munch comes to check on the chaos only to get accused of being “Reds.”
This episode was Scream Queens directed by Brad Falchuk and written by Fulchuk, Ryan Murphy and Ian Brennan; you know, the Glee club. Although it was full of tropes, offensiveness and vagina references, I didn’t hate it. This was due mostly to my girl Charisma, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the DDS scene. I take back what I said last week, this show is much more entertaining than Fear The Walking Dead with Academy Award winning performances compared to the second rate acting on Fear the Walking Dead. We’ll say this is one to build on.
Scream Queens 
(2 / 5) on the Thug meter
